Smoke and Booze for the Common Man

Pravda Vodka and Punch Grand Cru

By Ralph "Bucky" Gainsborough

Wouldn’t it be fun to be the guy with your finger on the button? – to have the power to be more brutal and violent than any man with a pen or sword? I sure think so. But if I had that opportunity, I would make sure of a few things first.

1.) I would have a castle on a private, unidentified fjord. I would also have a moat with electric eels. And vicious man-eating plants.

2.) I would have a room with all kinds of instruments that allowed me to screw with people’s bank accounts, fuck with their kids’ grades, and manipulate their actions in all sorts of uncomfortable situations. I’d have video cameras filming people around the clock. And I’d call it “Buckyvision” (although I would have to call it that to myself because if I were so powerful and mysterious, I probably wouldn’t have many friends ).

3.) I would constantly smoke great cigars and drink top shelf booze 100% of the time that I was awake.

Pravda Vodka - $22 - 5 of 5 arbitrary icons

In Russian, “Pravda” translates into “truth.” I feel this choice is appropriate since the Machiavellian logic behind my new fantasy role – Emperor/Spy/God – says that truth is the last thing you want anyone to know. Truth is something for common people, not great and powerful people like you and your old pal Bucky. You know that you would lie to everyone if you had that kind of clout.

Besides all the truth nonsense, Pravda has several practical purposes as well. First off, it gets you totally mothered. Secondly, you can use the hookah-esque receptacle as either a chemical beaker or a poor-man’s spear if you are ever attacked or discovered. Regardless of its uses in our world domination game, the “truth” is that you feel like an African/South American/Antediluvian dictator after the first shot.

Punch Grand Cru - Prince Consort Maduro (8.5in, 52ring) – $8 - 5 of 5 arbitrary icons

This is the kind of cigar that someone cheap would smoke to give the impression that they ruled the earth. First of all, it is fucking enormous. Less seasoned smokers may need two hands to support this monstrosity. If you do this, I’ll send you a cattle brand with “little bitch” on it, along with a recommendation that you go back to Hav-A-Tampas (because you obviously need a plastic doohickey to help you smoke cigars. And a bib).

Anywho. If I had this cigar and was in position to rule the world, I would actually use the burning tube to press buttons that would ruin people’s lives. The embers would symbolize their pain and destitution that would be a product of my power and dominance.

Furthermore, if anyone tried to take a picture of me, I could actually block out my entire face with this cigar (Try it, it’s fun!). Without a doubt, this is the ideal cigar for either second rate world domination or keeping those damned kids in line, all the while smelling like pepper and cinnamon. The choice is now entirely up to you.